Christian Self Esteem Help & Being Confident Advice Guide

Better Self Confidence for Christians: Happiness is an Inside Job!

Used by permission of Steve Wilson – Psychologist & JOYOLOGIST! – adapted by me!

Want Christian self esteem and confidence advice? OK – forget that kind of ‘self -esteem’ you hear about all the time on TV and in magazines. That’s hogwash. Real self esteem is not something you conjure up yourself but something that can only come from deep down – a real relationship with God. Happiness, the feeling of deep-down joy of life, and feeling really good about yourself, comes not from acquiring, but by contributing. Serenity and self-confidence comes from accepting ones imperfections, limitations, and what one cannot change. Self-esteem, your true worth or value, is not measured by your financial statement, job title, or trophies. Also see this Christian article on how to accept yourself as God sees you.

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You are precious because you are a creation of the highest order of intelligence. If you forget the true source of your preciousness, eventually you will experience an emptiness, a gnawing hunger. There are not enough gold, jewels, cellular phones, big-screen TVs, or anything material to nourish the soul. The spirit can only be filled by giving, not by getting.

I am delighted when people become disillusioned! Over the course of thirty years of practicing psychology, I have seen many people acquire mountains of material possessions but remain miserable, angry and often, desperate. To me their disillusion is a hopeful sign because disillusion literally means then end of believing the illusion! If a person has been living under the illusion that happiness comes from ‘having’, then disillusionment may bring freedom from the desire to acquire!

Hunger is the body’s signal to take in food. Thirst signals a need for water. Fatigue means take a rest. Likewise we often feel that our lack of happiness can be remedied by getting something from the world. However the absence of joy is remedied only by giving.

Happiness is an inside job that consists of;

  • becoming disillusioned that material acquisition is a measure  of your worth
  • remembering who you really are (precious)
  • knowing your source
  • laughing often
  • serving with love!

The ABC of Happiness & Self Esteem

Steve Wilson! – All Rights Reserved

Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits. Believe in yourself. Don’t postpone joy! Enjoy today. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present. Family and friends are hidden treasures. Give up anger you might have been hanging on to.

Happiness is like perfume: you can’t sprinkle it on others without getting some on yourself. Ignore those who try to discourage you. Jolly + jovial + jestful = joyful! Keep on learning. Learn something new each day. Look for humor in everyday situations. Make smiles happen. Never lie, cheat, or steal. Always strike a fair deal. Open your eyes, and see the beauty in all of nature. Play. You don’t stop playing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop playing. Quiet times give us balance. Read, study and learn about something new every day. Stop and smell the roses. Take control of what you can; let God have the rest. Understand others first, then seek to be understood. Visualize happy memories. Making others happy. X-ercise your right to be unique. Zero in on laughter and go for it!

The symptoms of inner peace and high self-esteem! – Source Unknown

  • A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experiences.
  • An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
  • A loss of interest in judging others.
  • A loss of interest in conflict.
  • A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
  • A loss of ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom).
  • Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
  • Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
  • Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes of the heart.
  • Increasing susceptibility to love extended by others.

What the Bible says on self-esteem & confidence

Shyness can be overcome by relying on the Holy Spirit. , II Timothy 1:7, TLB. “For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them.”
Our self-esteem is based on the value God places on us. Psalm 8:3-5, NIV. “When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, what is man that You are mindful of him, the son of man that You care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.”

“He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; He seats them with princes, with the princes of their people.” Psalm 113:7-8, NIV.

God values us and we’re constantly on His mind, Psalm 139:17-18, TLB. “How precious it is, Lord, to realize that You are thinking about me constantly! I can’t even count how many times a day your thoughts turn towards me. And when I waken in the morning, You are still thinking of me!”

We are valuable. Luke 12:6-7, TLB.
“What is the price of five sparrows? A couple of pennies? Not much more than that. Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And He knows the number of hairs on your head! Never fear, you are far more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows.”

The key to an accurate evaluation is knowing our identity in Christ. Romans 12:3, TEV.
“Do not think of yourselves more highly than you should. Instead, be modest in your thinking, and each one of you judge himself according to the amount of faith that God has given him.”

our self esteem should come from security in Jesus, I John 4:18, TLB.
“We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; His perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what He might do to us. If we are afraid, it shows that we are not fully convinced that He really loves us.”

security in the midst of natural disasters, Psalm 46:1-3, TLB.
“God is our refuge and strength, a tested help in times of trouble. And so we need not fear even if the world blows up, and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam; let the mountains tremble!”

God never sleeps! Psalm 121:2-4, NIV.
“My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip -He who watches over you will not slumber”

Security is a settled mind, Psalm 112:7-8, TLB.
“He does not fear bad news, nor live in dread of what may happen. For he is settled in his mind that Jehovah will take care of him. That is why he is not afraid but can calmly face his foes.”

Self-esteem knowing we have eternal life, I John 5:11-12, TLB.
“And what is it that God has said? That He has given us eternal life and that this life is in His Son. So whoever has God’s Son has life. I have written this so that you may know you have eternal life.”

Self confidence help, self esteem guide & how to be confident and overcome depression at 2018

How To Be Assertive

What is Assertive Behaviour?

SUBJECT: How To Be Assertive: Here’s a Christian proverb; “wisdom makes one man more powerful than ten rulers in a city” What is assertiveness & assertive behaviour?
Assertive behaviour is the ability to formulate and communicate one’s own thoughts and wishes in a clear, direct and non-aggressive way! It’s about knowing where you stand, and communicating from this starting point. You are more likely to get what you want, in half the time, and without treading on everyone’s toes in the process – you can’t loose!

What will being assertive do for me?

It will raise your self-esteem by showing you how to resist bully tactics and emotional blackmail without using aggression! People who develop good communication skills are able to defuse difficult situations. Naturally this will help in romantic relationships too. Far from being more difficult to deal with, being assertive will make you easier to deal with as people know where they stand. Assertive behaviour also promotes a positive response in others!

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How do we become who we are?

With life’s knocks we pick up all sorts of behaviour patterns good and bad, that make us who we are. We end up assuming bad traits are part of our true self when in fact they’re not. Just as It’s not good to be aggressive it’s not good to let people walk on you. The answer in an age where people are increasingly resorting to bullying is to be assertive – or be an easy target! Being unassertive doesn’t make you bad, but it stops you from using your full potential.

Children Behave Assertively!

Does a child offend you when it becomes upset? No – because it’s not attacking you directly but expressing earnestly its wants and needs. To be successful in dealing with people we must express ourselves earnestly!

Does Assertive Behaviour add anything to male/female relationships?

Yes! Anything that improves your communication skills will do this.

Steps to Being Assertive

When feeling threatened . . .

  1. pray God intervenes. God will act in your life if you genuinely want Him to. Conflicts and threatening situations can be defused if one party involved invokes God’s healing power.
  2. use assertive behaviour

During conflict situations a person may adopt four types of response:

  1. Passive
  2. sniper
  3. Aggressive
  4. Assertive behaviour

Passive response is appropriate at times (when dealing with someone who could be violent at any moment).

Sniper response is particularly tasteless and includes things like spreading rumours or withholding information.

Aggressive response is characterised by shouting, abusive language, obscene gestures, invasion of body space, aggressive postures and irrational behaviour.Ê This demonstrates lack of maturity.

Assertive behaviour means feeling good about yourself, being aware of your rights and taking responsibility for your actions.

Examples of Assertive & Agressive Behaviour

please leave these premises
I think your language is unacceptable
I do not wish to continue this conversation

Get out!
You are a rude b******
Shut your mouth
you have fundamental rights:
The right to speak and to be heard
The right to make errors
The right to change your mind
The right to be responsible only for yourself and your actions
The right to say no

When dealing with difficult people . . .
You have the right to terminate a conversation
You have the right to choose a proper place for a discussion
You have the right to be treated with respect

Points to remember
1) You can be assertive with people on a higher level than you as long as you show respect in words and actions.
3) “YOU” statements cause defensive responses promoting conflict.

How to negotiate

By Alexander Wilson JP BSc (Psych.) PhD.

Listen attentively. This is the most important part of successful assertive negotiations. Empathise with the other person. See things from their view so you remain calm and objective. People respond positively if they think you are willing to listen. Summarise the key points of the problem to demonstrate you’re listening and willing to cooperate.

Be sure your statements are correct. Vagueness will be seen as weakness and increase resistance. If you request a person stop doing something which is offensive, say so with a firm, calm voice. Always have an alternative solution ready. In most cases, you should be able to find several solutions. Remember the way you feel about yourself and others comes out in the way you talk (from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks)

Always give the other party opportunity to retreat without loss of face. A WIN-WIN solution is the most successful ending to confrontation. Use words and body language to defuse a confrontation. For example. “I am sure we can solve this problem together”. What can I do to help this situation for you?

  1. Decide if you want to say yes or no. You may need time to think it over – let the person know when you’ll be ready. Know what you want.
  2. Ask for clarification if you don’t understand what is requested of you.
  3. Be as brief as possible with a legitimate reason for your refusal. Avoid elaborate justifications as these may be used to argue you out of your “no.”
  4. Use the word “no”. “No” has more power and is less ambiguous than, “Well, I just don’t think so…”
  5. Make sure your gestures mirror your verbal messages. Shake your head when saying “no.” Often people unknowingly nod their heads and smile when they are attempting to refuse.
  6. “I won’t” or “I’ve decided not to” are better than “I can’t” or “I shouldn’t”. This emphasises that you have made a choice.
  7. You may have to decline several times before the person “hears” you. It is not necessary to come up with a new explanation each time, just repeat your “no” and your original reason for declining.
  8. If the person persists after you have repeated “no” several times, use silence (easier on the phone), or change the topic of conversation. You have the right to end the conversation.
  9. You may want to acknowledge any feelings another has about your refusal, “I know this will be a disappointment to you, but I won’t be able to…” Don’t say “I’m sorry”. In most situations saying “I’m sorry” tends to compromise your basic right to say “no.”
  10. Avoid feeling guilty. It’s not up to you to solve others’ problems.
  11. If you do not want to agree to the person’s original request, but still desire to help them out, offer a compromise: “I will not be able to baby-sit the whole day, but I can sit for two hours.” – You can say “no” to a request you originally “said” yes to!

Such a program could help to acquire a new set of responses and to be more effective in your interaction and communication with others. You would learn what to say or do in various situations, when to say it, and, importantly, how to say it. Getting a little bit ”people-smarter” can’t hurt, and it can make you feel so much better about yourself.

Physical confrontation

Always create distance from the other party when involved in serious confrontation. If someone becomes physically violent, contact the Police.


see also…

Self Esteem
For more advice and tips on how to be really deep down Godly self confident! – no new age nonsense!

What is real maturity from a Christian and Godly perspective? – try this for some tips and insights.

Wisdom Advice
Want to be as wise as Solomon? – it’s all in the Bible!

Depression Help
For advice and help with depression – its causes and effects and how to survive and get over being depressed

advice on friendship | making friends

Christian advice and help guide on assertive behaviour, books & tips 2018