Question to ChristianAdvice;
Dear brother or sister,
I am from India. I am 33 years old man. I am married last year April and my wife is pregnant now.
She is actually due in a few days.
But the problem is that we had a lot of fights which never kind of resolved. We are living separately for the past 6 months.
I have been contemplating divorce.
I don’t know what she wants but I feel I can’t stay with her anymore.
The other issue now is that I started talking to one of uncle’s daughter and came to know that she loves me and wanted to wait for me. She decided that she would not get married if she can’t get married to me. I met her recently and unfortunately we had been intimate physically.
Now I am pretty much in a big mess. And I don’t know what to do.
I am sorry I don’t know if I can ask things like this.
But please help me if you can. I didn’t tell this to anyone till now.
If you have to publish thus, please change my name and personal information.
Is she the person you would stay with through thick and thin?
Disclaimer; christianadvice.net does not guarantee she will say yes!!:)
OK – over with the funny part and onto serious stuff. Well, we are assuming you have found the person you have decided to spend the rest of your life with and remember, as a Christian – that does mean life (we realise many churches nowadays through fear of losing members and upsetting the apple cart choose to sweep Jesus very clear words on the matter well out of sight). The fact is – as a Christian – despite what people will tell you – you don’t really have an option to divorce – separate under some circumstances if it’s sensible?.. yes – but divorce so that you can be a consecutive polygamist? (marry people one after the other)… sorry – God hates divorce and as Jesus told us; “it was not that way in the beginning” and one must assume that in the beginning God got things right as he wanted them.
They say when you know you know – this is clearly wrong as 50% marriages end in divorce. The Bible says; when you think you know – you probably don’t!
Marriage I’m afraid to tell all those that have listened to watered-down sermons on the subject is a decision and a binding one at that, not a feeling, or something you are excused from if one party turns out to be ‘incompatible’! The fact is, we are ALL incompatible to be married – that’s what the power of a marriage is. Loving someone DESPITE their faults as Christ loved the church. Not a Christian?.. oops well you better go off to google and find a secular ’emotionally’ based article on the subject by some agony aunt.
So, how to propose to a woman…
Notice in the wedding ceremony, the “till death do us part” bit. Are you man enough for that? So now that you have decided you want to marry this person and you have settled in your heart that you will not divorce them under any circumstances (it’s got to be more than looks and the feeling of falling in love since both of these can and certainly the former will fade – and sometimes people are scared, have accidents and may not end up looking like the person you married – but they ARE still that person and just as Christ committed himself to an unfaithful and quite ugly bride – so we must not let looks become an excuse for pulling out the ‘divorce card’) there are several ways you can propose to a woman.
Don’t live with someone beforehand!
Why? Because it’s too easy and there is no real commitment involved. The FACT is people that move in with each other are MORE likely to divorce statistically. Why? Is it anything to do with the moving in part? I doubt it. It’s far more to do with the type of person that thinks ‘try before you buy’ and ‘exit anytime if you want to’ is ok is the kind of person that will likely think divorce is an option. If you think it is, then stop now and read another article. This is not for you.
Spend a lot of time together – not necessarily to see if she’s ‘right’ for you – but to some of see her annoying habits and get used to them and get this fellas; so that she can see your incredibly annoying habits and get used to you! One pastor said he always starts a marriage counselling course with; “you realise you two are in no wise compatible.” Why does he say that? Because humans are inherently selfish and put themselves before others and are not willing to change old habits or meet in the middle as real marriage requires! You know the ‘through thick and thin’ stuff again.
How to ask someone to be your wife – a few do’s and don’ts first
- you don’t need to try and top the best proposals you see on youtube – marriage is serious.
- try match your proposal style to your future wife’s personality so she will like it.
- don’t be slushy or sentimental sweet – but speak from your heart like a man! (I nearly said roaring lion!:)
- don’t discuss this with too many people or someone will let the cat out – I promise!
- be confident she will say ye – but be aware – she may and has the right to say no.
- don’t be an idiot. (do I need to explain this bit?.. if I do perhaps marriage is for later;)
- if you propose on holiday – don’t do it on he first night unless you are 101% sure she will say yes. A rejection at the start will ruin the holiday!
- don’t do it somewhere dangerous like a cliff edge – she might use it!
What about asking the parents first?
Well is that what she expects and is that what the parents would expect? In that case yes and if possible I would say yes to this in any case since you will al need to get along. But of course there will be times when it can’t be this way and you may need to just get on and ask her! I think asking her before the parents is not good – despite what other articles say – you want my opinion – you got it. Respect our parents the ten commandments say and what better way than asking them first if it’s possible or appropriate?
Do I need to get a ring?
Do I need to spend lots of money on a ring or the event?
If she loves you for your money or your house or car – perhaps. If she loves you for you – then probably not. But don’t buy her a pice of old rubbish – make sure it’s really nice even if it doesn’t cost the earth and you may want to ask the dealer if it’s possible to swap if there is a problem, especially if you do have a decent income. If you don’t well – see what you can organise and a nice girlfriend would appreciate your efforts. You might need to get a job though!
What kind of ring should I buy as an engagement ring?
Well first you might want to empty your bank account to see what’s in there. No seriously, is your wife to be going to want something that costs the earth? Then do you really want to marry someone like that would be my first question. Second question is the type of ring; well most ladies are quite understandably fussy about what kind of jewellery they will wear so you could buy a cheap one – put it in a cracker and tell her – this is just a temporary one! Then let her choose the real deal. Otherwise – choose a nice ring you think she will like based on what she already wears and what you know about her.
Some engagement ring trivia; A study from Emory University is saying the bigger the engagement ring the more likely the couple will get divorced!
Our comment: this is not meant to make you superstitious, and likely more to do with the type of person that thinks they need an extravagant ring is the kind of person that is more likely to get divorced!!
When do I propose?
You can pick a meaningful date like your first date or some other great time you had together. If you pick a holiday date then remember this will always be shared with your engagement date – something to consider. Do you want your whole family there? This could be arranged or you could do it more privately – either way make sure you have time alone after together as you will likely need and want it. Also – consider when she wants to get married – this might affect when you propose!
Where will you propose?
Wherever you do it – will be cast in stone in your wife to be’s mind so consider this! A hilltop – a beach – a nice restaurant, a hotel but don’t be mean – not a bar or somewhere shoddy. Make sure it’s a nice place! Where wuold she like, a dingy old pub or overlooking the sea at sunset?
Do I need to do something big and extravagant?
I don’t know – do you? Do you feel yo need to? But the bigger it is the more can go wring one would assume. You want it to go right and this is not about making her laugh the most or be wowed by what strings you can pull at the local aerobatics flying club is it? Though these things may come in handy! Big, small, do whatever – but if she loves you she will like whatever you do that is sensible. Here are some suggestions of where you can propose to your lady; a beautiful bridge, a sunset at sea, a restaurant overlooking the city, a mountain top, a cable car, a plane journey (you might need some leg room if she gives you the boot;), a beautiful flower garden, camping or a picnic.
What do I say when I propose to a woman?
“Are you busy for the next 50 years?” often works. Seriously, just say something like; “Girlfriend’s name… you are the most wonderful woman I have ever met and I love you. will you marry me?” What about a few practice runs on a girl friend you know? She will surely tell you if you’re doing a good job or not. But if she says yes… remember next time to remind your tester it’s just a practice run at the outset.
How should I propose to a lady?
The traditional getting down on one knee has to be the best! Perhaps in private and perhaps in public – where would she like you to do it – see if you can work that out without asking her.
- What about a small orchestra or musician playing quietly in the background? – Spanish guitar perhaps!
- a banner across the place she walks to work (not on roadways unless your father is transport minister).
- a banner in the sky pulled by a jumbo jet – I mean a Cessna.
- A radio DJ announcement
- a sign in the sand seen from a sky-scrapper or plane. Do you have large fingers?
- an ad in the paper
- a crossword that spells; will you marry me?
- a parachute jump (instructors only!;)
Which finger does an engagement ring go on?
From wikipedia; In Western countries, the engagement ring is normally worn on the left hand ring finger (, though customs vary across the world. Before agreeing to marry, a couple may choose to buy and wear pre-engagement rings, also called promise rings.
Which is the ring finger?
Come on guys surely you’r not like me and don;t know?! Well from wikipedia again: By wearing the ring on the fourth finger of the left hand, a married couple symbolically declares their eternal love for each other. In Western cultures, a wedding ring is traditionally worn on the ring finger.
How do I measure ring size?
Making a marriage proposal
So – you wanted to learn how to propose to a woman and now you know! Listen – you know this might be emotional – for her I mean – and you perhaps! So stay cool and calm whatever the answer. I mean if you’re the sort of person that starts ranting when she says no then you’re probably not marriage material yet! Hopefully though she will know you’re a great guy and say yes. If she does accept (even if she doesn’t in fact) end with a kiss and a hug and slide the ring onto her finger and praise the Lord!
More articles on how to pop the question to your girlfriend…
QUESTION: “My boyfriend and I are 20 and 22 respectively and we have both already had sex with other people. We’ve always been Christians through our upbringing, but didn’t take the sex notion seriously. Since our previous relationships (6 months to a year ago) we’ve dedicated our hearts to the Lord! We are wondering if we should wait until marriage to have sex; we just started dating so marriage hasn’t been on the table, but neither of us has had a relationship without sex, and we want to do it right this time. I know premarital sex is a sin in the Bible, but is there a biblical reason we shouldn’t wait if we’ve already committed that sin?”
Our answer: The question you ask is: Is there a Biblical reason we SHOULDN’T wait till after marriage to have sex? The simple answer is: No. Nowhere in the Bible will you find a reason to have full intercourse outside a committed marriage relationship.
But the other question is, do you understand why sex outside marriage is ‘a sin’ according to the Bible? It is because, however enjoyable it might be at the time, in the end it is destructive rather than constructive.
This is because – as the Bible also tells us – full intercourse is special and unites two people in ways nothing else can; involves us sharing the deepest and most precious parts of ourselves; and works best against the background of a reliable long-term relationship. In God’s view, the only person who deserves to ‘know’ us in the way full intercourse allows them to is someone who loves us and is committed to us for life.
Sex before marriage can have these consequences:
- If the relationship ends, separation is that much more painful and difficult, with soul ties needing to be broken.
- The more different sexual partners we have the more of ourself we give away to people who don’t deserve us. So the more self-respect we give away, and the more people (through our memory) encroach into our ultimate marriage bed.
- If you have had full sexual intercourse with people other than your eventual husband or wife, you diminish the extent to which you have something special to give to them.
There are two final practical considerations:
- There is always the possibility of a pregnancy, and thus a child that will have to be brought up with a single parent.
- Sex with someone other than our long-term partner will always necessitate some cleansing and healing. This can be accomplished by God’s Spirit, but we can never be returned to the same pure and innocent state that we were in before.
It sounds as if you have now gone a long way in this self-healing process. What a shame it would be compound the damage (that is, the part of it that cannot be erased) and to have to start all over again with the process of healing what can be healed.
The longer you abstain from full intercourse the more your self-respect, purity, and wholeness will grow, and the more special this will be in your ultimate marriage, and the less second-hand will be the gift of yourself to your future husband or wife.
The more you abstain, the more also you can concentrate undistracted on the most important part of a relationship – that of becoming friends and discovering whether you are compatible as people. Sexual activity clouds our judgment in other areas of a relationship.
Lastly, the Bible tells us that any sexual contact you have with someone who is not your husband or wife, the more you steal from their ultimate husband or wife. (1 Thess 4:6) A useful guideline is to ask yourself this: if I were now watching my true, ultimate lifetime partner, the one I would someday come to adore, what would I be happy to see them doing, or how far would I be happy to see them going, with someone else before they met me?
It depends on what you mean by ‘attracted to’ I guess? But the simple answer is according to The Bible – yes – you are free in Christ to marry someone you are not attracted to physically if you love the person and they love you and you are both Christians and love God with heart mind and soul.
We know from The Bible that outward beauty eventually fades so it is inward beauty that is really important in life and relationships. Does this person love God and desire to keep their commands? That is the most important thing as you are each others helpers and guardians.
But I would advise against it as a general rule as God designed different people to be attracted to people physically for a good reason – to cause them to fall in love initially and longer term when the initial ‘honey-moon’ period is over to keep them together as a ‘glue’, to stop the eyes from wandering and of course to make procreation easier!
But in the end it is character that is infinitely more important over physical attributes that will be left when this life is over and we enter the next.
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