Christian Jokes & Humour

Funny Christian one-liners, stories,  jokes  & humour for Christians!

It’s hard to find good Christian humour since most humour these days revolves around taboos. I love clean humour like the cartoons you see in the papers every day – homour that someone has really sat doem and thought about – not just crude observations that anyone could come up with. Check out some of the jokes and funnies below – I think you’ll agree some are pretty hilarious:)


“Im not afraid of death – I just don’t want to be there when it happens” – I believe this was Woody Allen!

Here are some notices written in English discovered throughout the world!

hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Swiss restaurant menu: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.

Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Moscow hotel: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Japanese air conditioner: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

COURTHOUSE BLOOPERS

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books – Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair.

Q. Are you married? A. No, I’m divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didnÕt know about.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you committed suicide? A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

What happened then? A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.” Q. Did he kill you? A. No.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Jimmy, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral.

Q. Then, later on.. what did you see? A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing? A. I could see his head. Q. And where was his head? A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active? A. No, I just lie there.

Q. You too were shot in the fracas? A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present? A. It indicates intercourse. Q. Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.
Diplomacy is the art of letting other people have your way.
The more I see of men, the better I like dogs.

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Don’t let worry kill you – let the church help.
Thursday night – Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

WEIRD HEADLINES
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies [The Los Angeles Times, March 2]
Man shoots neighbor with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
Fish lurk in streams (Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle)

CHILDREN WRITE LETTERS TO GOD
Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is it a trick? – Lucy
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear GOD, What does it mean You’re a Jealous God? I thought You had everything -Jane
Dear GOD, Did you really mean “do unto others as they do unto you?” Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother -Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but I prayed for a puppy -Joyce
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest -Tom L.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up -Bruce
Dear GOD, If we come back as something – please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her – Denise
Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set -Raphael
Dear GOD, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother -Larry
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions -Ruth M. Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re kidding, aren’t they? -Marsha
Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes -Mickey D.
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it -Donna
Dear GOD, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday – Eugene

Funny Christian jokes, stories and anecdotes for Christians at christianadvice.net 2001