Should
I join a Christian Dating Agency?
I
own and run an online
Christian dating agency and it would be reasonable
for anyone reading this to assume that I am about to say that
all Christians should use dating agencies to find a partner, and
that there is no conflict between using agencies or friend-finder
services and what the Bible says on relationships marriage and
finding a Christian partner etc. But I want to be honest, open
and constructive about the subject - to discuss the good with
the bad and yep, along with the many positives of online singles
services, there are one or two negatives.
There are many reasons one might use a traditional or online dating
agency. First though, I do not think all Christians (or anyone
for that matter) should use dating agencies but having seen the
results I do believe that they can be very useful for many people
for a number of reasons. But they are by no means ideal - perhaps
in an ideal world we wouldn't consider or need agencies but having
heard so many different conflicting views on the subject I wanted
to addresss this question of wether we need them seriously, and
I thought I'd start by trying to fnd some good arguments or texts
on dating in general or using agencies from a Biblical perspective.
After all I thought there must be hundreds of essays on this tricky
and stigmatised subject that would help me get some honest views
for and against using dating agencies.
But to my great surprise after searching Google and all the major
search engines designed to find subject specific text matter,
all I came up with was a barrage of dating sites offering their
services and advice. 100's of pages - all tuned to be picked up
by any search relating to dating (good or bad) in the end designed
to sell you a dating service - sometimes at a high price - up
to $30 a month!! Some traditional agencies charge £1000
per year where your dates are 'hand picked'. But I suppose I was
niiave to expect to find many such documents (in fact I couldnt
find any - but ther emust be some out there and Im going to serach
some more) Dating is a highly competive market and I guess few
people will write pages against dating. I did however find 2 pages
with books that suggested Christian dating was against Christian
Biblical principals. I have yet to get copies but I the idea was
that it was the element of 'trust' or 'not trusting' that was
a problem - that to use an agency was not allowing God to do his
thing - interfering. I actually understand this point of view
and believe that it may be right in some circumstances.
Are
all 'Christian' dating sites Christian?
No not all - some are and you can find a list of
those on this page. But the majority of sites called 'Christian'
are not Christian companies - not that this is a problem - why
should it be? Most 'Christian' dating sites are split-offs from
larger secular dating sites trying to get in on the Christian
market which is pretty large. But checking out these 'mega sites'
reveales they have a small number of Christians compaired to authentic
Christian sites because it is fairly obvious to visitors that
the site is secular since by the first or second page they will
be asked"are you gay or straight" as part of the questionnaire!
They ask is becasuse your details will be put into the same database
as 100,000 other people most of who are not Christian and therfore
such questions are relevant. The
biggest players can afford elaborate enticing sites but to
build separate databases for every people group is expensive and
so everyone is thrown in together. The site owners would
actually be happier if you dont meet a Christian partner for life
since your standing order will continue for longer!:-) That said
many of these dating sites offer good services. You will find
however many 1000's more Christians on dedicated real Christian
owned and run sites. To find them simply add 'Christian' and the
country you wish to meet people to your search. You should be
able to tell with a quick look which ones are genuine Christian
sites (tip: check out the questionnare!)
Reasons
to use a Christian dating site - why use one?
The
essence of joining a dating agency is to put yourself in a position
where you are more likely to meet new friends. Most of us singles
do this every day conciously or subconciously and most will admit
if asked frankly if they ever feel incline to better postion hemselves
to meet members of the opposite sex. We all want to meet someone
- Mr or Miss right - wether it's the next party is or social event
- it's normall!! It's all part of having fun, fellowship and interacting
and learning about people - our likes and dislikes. That's why
it's hard to argue against using a dating agency - especially
if like me you lived out in the country side with just me and
lots of middle aged couples and a few sheep attending the church
- not the sheep! I started my own agency because I guessed many
people would be in the same boat and not meet many new Christian
people outside their social circle. And the feedback is that this
is very often true. Read some of our
testimonials
-
I love these!
What
does the Bible say about Christian Dating?
Nothing
specifically. But the Bible does say, "do not 'look' for
a wife" - Surely this is the death knell for dating agencies?!!
But hey, think about it - It may well be true that the Bible is
saying "do not actively go looking or seek a partner"
because practically this is fairly unwise for a number of reasons.
Take my own experience which although slighlty embarrassing to
explain;-) . . ....I will since it's the truth it may help some
people!
Here
goes: I spent 10 years actively seeking a partner from 15 - 25
(when I wasnt absorbed in doing things that would actively make
me more attractive to a potential partner!! Hee hee - come on
we're all a bit like this - surely it's not just me:) but never
met one or felt particularly attractive. I was fairly good looking
so that wasnt a problem but something was. It was only when I
became dishollusioned, tired of the whole dating thing and forgot
about finding a one, that I gave in and got on with what I call
'just living'. You know - working hard and generally growing up
- being more mature. Then suddenly without trying I find a whole
bunch of girls showing an interest!! why? - well it's no new revelation
but basiclly I didn't appear so needy. All those years I had no
idea I was giving off 'needy' vibes - and girls are just not attracted
to it. Simple. The more I did it the less they liked me and I
became more needy - a spiral. Now the problem is if you are needy
its nigh on impossiblt to act really confident. You may keep it
up for a bit but it will just come out in the end. Best to BE
confident and so what better advice than to get on with living
to achiev this!!? Fantastic obvious but often missed advice. So
I believe the Bible is saying "get on with life since it's
short - improve your skills and concentrate on becoming a real
man or woman of God". That absolutely HAS to be the most
attractive thing. Follow the above and you will find when the
time is right God will help you meet someone and if you don't
meet many people - then hey why not use a dating agency - just
dont fret or rest all your hopes and securities on it - GOD CAN
DO MIRACLES. My personal tip is GET secure first (dont wish for
things before you're ready - your heart should tell you this).
I dont believe it is saying "do not want or desire a husband
or wife - girlfriend" etc. How could it since it is such
a great experience!! The Bible never denys us good things unless
it wants to prepare us first.
Why
and when to use a dating agency
So
- you feel relaxed, feel like some fun - want to meet some new
Christian people and get a bit of a buzz? Great - then you might
try joining an agency. It's scary yet fun - afterall you dont
know what someones really going to be like till you meet them.
Take it lightly in terms of expetation but seriously should there
be any happy spark because it often happens. But not toooooo seriously
if you know what I mean. Here's some great tips on how
to attract a Christian fish!!!
When
NOT to use an agency
Well
just make sure you're not using an agency as a kind of last resort.
If
you're despairing cos you havn't found a partner - try to come
to terms with this first - Remember
God's in control and knows when would be best - not always when
you feel like it! Persoanlly I found using an agency was great
to just build my confidence. I met some nice often successful
people who I could interact with and find out what I wanted and
what kind of person would be a good match. I does just depend
what you expect from it. Have fun. This is far and above the best
attitude to take if you really want to attract someone.
Other
places and ways to meet new people
Getting
practical its a great idea visit some other churches tho there
is the obvious danger that you could spend a lot of time doing
this and get no where in this quest, whilst also potentially damaging
your spiritual well being. This is not to say that you should
not consider this idea. Also, be prepared to be humble and examine
yourself, considering if there is any character trait or other
trait which may put people off you as a partner. Dating agencies
can be useful, but they are not ideal, as they may be less likely
to provide people who live close to you. It is safest to stick
to a rule of focussing on friendship first, and to get to know
a person before you start to commit yourself to a relationship.
If there is any distance between yourself and a contact, enjoying
friendship first is made much more difficult.
Where
are All the Men?
Apparently
there are three times the number of single women attending church
than single men leaving thousands of Christian women struggling
to find a decent Christian partner. What should woman do... settle
for a nerd, join an agency, date non-Christians or sit back and
‘trust in the Lord’? Welcome to modern day church!
According
to recent Christian singles figures available from Research, there
are on average 70 women for every 30 men in the church. New Day
agency founder says that by the time women reach 40 the ratio
has extended four to one and by 50 it’s a staggering six
to one. What are women expected to do?!!! The real result of the
imbalance is that many women in the church face the real prospect
of staying alone and unmarried and this cant be allowed to happen.
What
is the biblical view of dating?
The
Christian view of dating (tho 'dating' is not mentioned of course
in the Bible) is based on biblical principles which God designed
to protect relationships - marriage and family. There are some
basic principles of Christian courting or dating which if followed
prevent the kinds of problems and suffering later - especially
that of kids.
1)
Dating people should be reserved for finding a marrriage partner
- not trying people for size. Accordingly dont date until you
are ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage. Between
times - make a lot of friends - guys and girls and get ready for
marriage and commitment.
2.Select
dates very carefully - date
Christians only. I know of virtually no examples where
Christians have married non-Christians and the result is a happy
stable marriage.
3.Select
your Christian dates carefully. Dating a non-committed Christian
or worldly Christian is usually a recipie for disaster if you
yourself are trying hard to please God.
4.Abstain
from sexual involvement prior to marriage. Kissing and petting
may not seem like sex - but it is the lead up to sexual intercourse
and lets face it - can anyone draw a line where kissing or petting
stops and sex starts? It's not that sex is bad - it's that the
further you go - the more bonded you will become - perhaps to
the wrong person. Avoid it and you will stay sane and make good
judgements.
To
conclude - dating, sex and marriage are great giftsfor those who
take them seriously.
Related Christian topics
Christian
Marriage advice
| Christian
Discernment
| Guidance
by God
Christian Dating agency...? @ christian
advice.net 2004
|
