single Christian's dilema...
to search for an ideal
partner... when to search... how
to meet new Christian singles friends...
and what to look for... things to do on a date...
and should I be searching for Christian singles help in the first
quest for an ideal Christian mate
face it... if you are a single Christian and like me and you're
in your mid 30's, you're
probably wondering if you'll ever meet a Christian soulmate that you can
really fall in love with, share values and live happily ever after
with. The fact is - some (even most) of my thirty-something year old Christian
friends have statred to become a little twitchy, almost irrational
in their thinking - saying things like "does the church does care", and "is God bothered with my singleness". Of course both God and the church are deeply concerned about it but in our world - God allows things to take their course which means it's sometimes very difficult to meet new people.
Christians therfore sometimes and understandably feel compelled to go out and 'make it happen' or get
Christian singles help. I can't blame them as I feel the same
often. They (and often me) go to events and meetings I wouldn't
normally attend in the hope that Mr or Mrs right will appear.
Nothing really wrong with this, except it's just a major waste
of a Christians time and energy if he or she is constantly engaged
in the quest to find a partner - especially when it is at the
exclusion of nurturing our spiritual walk, looking after friends
and family and so on. So really - what should we be doing?
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4 Christian Social Events & Gatherings?..
- Christian Events
Looking for events for Christian singles?..
what's the best way to meet Christian singles? Well it is very
fortunate that whilst in recent years it has become very difficult
for Christians not to compromise their beliefs when it comes to
being single (I really believe todays society make it extremely
hard for young people to stay on the straight and narrow - relationaly
and otherwise), there does seem to be a move in the right direction
- albeit the gradual acceptance that the singles in the church
need a little helping hand!:)
of all - should I be looking at all?!
I believe the best time to start looking, if you are single
and really feel you are not getting any contact with potential
partners, has to be when you feel fairly settled in your faith,
church, and life in general. NOTE - I said FAIRLY settled. Nothing
will ever be perfect. We all tend to want to get everything sown
up before we really get into a relationship which on the one hand
is good, but always remember tomorrow will have it's own unexpected
problems so it doesn't actually make any sense to wait till everythings
just right. If your worry is practical - financial - then you
may be right to wait a little. Just remember the golden rule though:
If a person REALLY likes you, they'll like you
with your faults, rich or poor. If not - they're not worth persuing.
Get that straight first:)
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for special someone in too many places - church hopping &
Where is the best place to meet Christian singles? The
search for Mr or Mrs right has led some Christian singles to engage
in "church hopping" -- skipping from church to church
while looking for a singles group with potential mates. This is
completely understandable but doesn't really help the person church
hopping or the groups they hop to and from. I'm not wanting to
point the finger here as I've done this myself a few years back
and occasionally find myself going to things I wouldn't normally
attend! - true.
turnover in a typical church singles group can be pretty high.
In fact on average it can be as much as 50 percent every six months
or so! Christian singles sometimes end up practicing church in
a consumer kind of way. One leader says "They go to one church
on Saturday night for worship. Then they go to another church
Sunday morning and to a third church during the week for Bible
study" - all in hopr of meeting the right person. The grass
always does look greener elswhere.
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result of moving on just to meet new singles could damage spiritual
life and existing relationships. "It really depends on what
their first priority is - to fulfill God's spiritual purpose,
or to fill the gap with a patner - a void that only God can fill
church-hopping singles are not helping the body of Christ…because
they're not investing their gifts and to be honest being self
centred in a place where it's not great to be self centred! -
we all need to be thinking about our own needs at times but I
firmly belive it's got to be best if there are places, activities
just for the singles issue so that church stays as church - not
a dating venue:)
church hopping work for Christian singles?
Perhaps, perhaps not - but I recommend singles invest themselves
in ONE church and if you really want to look for a partner - which
after all is a desire of most singles on the planet, "If
you feel like a church is the right place for you to grow spiritually,
to use your gifts, then you should stay there and allow God to
bring that person into your life…God is sovereign over those
things and He could bring anyone he likes to this place."
Maximise your chances (as if God can't work outside chance;) -
and attend a large chuch if it makes you feel better.
singles ministries >>
should Christian singles be doing at church?
Singles should build
real, genuine friendships - incidentally these should be the goals
of any singles ministry. They should talk to people that get left
out - introduced each other in a non-selfish way (I have been
actively excluded from some circles where I believe I may have
been seen as a theat which of course I couldn't be! - this is
nonsense in a loving church) - get involved with the needs of
the church and the local community. By all means go to singles
events and join a singles internet ministry - just be balanced
and accept what God has - even if it's not what you want. Remember
the charcaters of the Bible. Who praised God even though they
had non of the material things that their hearts desired. It tough
stuff but we musn't forget the Bible. Despite all this I belive
God can bring you someone when the time is right! Just never let
it become your all consumming focus.
for a date in the wrong places
Today's singles are often found looking in the wrong
places. The prevalence of alcohol in singles establishments -
bars and clubs poses a serious problem for Christians who perhaps
sensibly choose not to drink alcohol outsidethe home. There is
an enormous pressure to drink whilst socialising. But nothing
is more unattractive for a Christian woman - to be talking to
a guy slurring his words and not making sense when he thinks he
is being funny under the influence! - OK guys!! So Christians
are forced to look for alternative venues, including churches,
in order to meet other singles. But they still might not find
what they are looking for.
How the church sees singles
Some people feel that
in church singles are the forgotten element --not that the church
thinks any lower of singles, but they really don't know what to
do with them! Also there singles groups that are brilliant, but
run by people who frequently get married or burn out, and then
the groups disband. I think there needs to be a church singles
organisation full stop.
I lower my standards when looking for a mate?
When Chriztian singles
find a lack of suitable partners they ask - "should I lower
my standards?" I believe 'standards' is the wrong word. When
you analyse attracation between men and women - not only is it
amazing how people are attracted in the first place - but different
people really do like different qualities. In that sense NO-ONE
should really worry about the areas in which they feel thay lack
in terms of attracticeness. The obvious one being looks. Yes a
typically 'beautiful' woman may find lots of men are attracted
initially to her - and she may well get more attention - but in
the end it will be as difficult, if not more difficult for her
to find a REALLY compatible partner. Since she would naturally
look for someone like her. She is in fact much more likely to
marry an incompatible partner so it really is swings and roundabouts.
God has made sure we are not the same, but all equal when our
different talents and giftings are put side by side. We all need
each other. Anyhow - so back to standards, you are not lowering
them, just looking for someone you find attractive - a very natural
thing. It is very different to be looking for perfection - that
is obvously a daft quest and not very Godly since non of us is
perfect! It is in fact almost impossible to lower the things you
find attrcative - some of it is genetic. Don't lower the good
and right qualities you desire - perhaps lower your expectations
of people slightly!
missionary dating - converting someone as you go!
The practice of dating someone who doesn't share your religious
beliefs in the hope that you can convert them is called missionary
dating! Sometimes it works - but 9 times out of 10 it is the Christian
who will have to compromise and falls away from their faith to
match their potential mate. Not good at all but not impossible
either. Though nothing's impossible - be very careful here.
Dating - a case study
Most people join Internet
singles sites hoping to meet the right person" says a well
known Christian singles site operator. "It is a combination
of social network, singles club and home groups. We believe that
Christian singles weren't getting enough help. They needed more
networking and support. So our online singles service was able
to offer that." It is hard to see our
Christian singles services as just another
Christian singles and dating site. It has an underlying Christian
atmosphere that encourages people to grow spiritually while waiting
for God to connect them with a potential relationship. Every member
is required to sign a statement of faith of their Christian beliefs,
including saving real intimacy for marriage.
the blessings of being single and singleness!
Singleness allows you more time to help others and invest in non-self
activities - it's a great blessing to you and your friends around
you if you embrace singleness while you have it. Try to thank
God - hard as it may seem - for your singleness if at all possible.
Praise really does heal the hurts of a persons heart if it is
done in times of trouble. Please try it - it works and God blesses
Internet Christian singles sites safe?
The site is safe - members details are never handed out,
but in the end safety just lies with the user. Just take care
when meeting a new Christian friend by meeting in a public place.
is it so hard for Christians to meet partners and find the right
A leading pshycologist
in america says "the number one reason why Christians struggle
at relationships is the number of potential mates they have to
choose from". "Most people don't have a big enough pool.
They don't know exactly where to go. The singles groups in churches
have proven to be disappointing for a lot of people". In
general, "singles don't go to the singles groups in a lot
often marry the 'next best' person
"As a result, Christians sometimes end up marrying
the "next best" partner - someone who doesn't share
their values and perhaps they don't find very physically attractive.
It is simply very difficult to meet enough people to make the
best descision and many compromise. They can hardly be expected
to do much else.
God point out the person I am to marry?
There is a lot of confusion
as to who should do the choosing. Should I choose or do I leave
it to God to call out from the heavens? 'This is the person I
have for you'. I am not being sarcastic - it really is hard to
know when we Christians have been brought up to have faith and
let God deal with things. It is about sensibility. Stay at home
and you are unlikely to meet anyone. Don't involve yourself in
helping church ministries and perhaps you don't deserve to meet
someone. Have faith that if you do your part - God will keep you
safe and give you peace. And perhaps when the time is right a
wife or husband. This doesn't mean don't look on the web or keep
your eyes open.
Paul says "don't look for a wife"
This is absolutely true and most people don't know it's
in the Bible. But I strongly believe St Paul is refering to the
idea of not becoming consumed with a search for a wife so you
are able to do God's work. That's it really it and this makes
perfect sense. He also says that along with the blessings of marriage
will come the practical prblems that living with someone 24-7
will always bring - all sensible - all practical informative advice
don't want to join a dating agency to find Mr or Mrs right?
If you don't want to pursue a dating service or web site, the
other best way that most Christians (and non Christians for that
matter) agree on. Most recommend that single Christians
expand their interests and activities. Build a more interesting
and rich life if you are able. Get involved in as many things
as you can without going overboard. Do voluntary work - this is
a great talking point too! Do Bible studies, get involved in other
organizations, join a fooftball team - the benefits are obvious
when it comes to meeting new friends.
with singles in the context of the church
This wil help you stay
focused, avoid sinful activities and remain accountable should
you like most people have one or two problems.
an open mind
Sometimes we need to die to prerequisites and illconcieved ideas
and wants before God can give us what is really best for us. Be
aware that what you think you want may not be what you really
want or indeed need:)
- so if you reckon you're ready to start meeting Christian Singles...
where can I meet singles in the church other than Sunday
morning service?! Here'e 101 ways to meet singles - 101
Christian men and women near you:)
Dating agencies V Online Dating agencies >>
Events and meetings >>
Dating - craze or crazy? >>
101 Christian Singles advice help,
tips at christian advice 1999