How To Be Assertive
What is Assertive Behaviour?Christian proverb; "wisdom makes one man more powerful than ten rulers in a city"
What is assertiveness & assertive behaviour?
Steps to Being Assertive
feeling threatened . . .
please leave these premises
I think your language is unacceptable
I do not wish to continue this conversation
You are a rude bastard
Shut your mouth
you have fundamental rights:
The right to speak and to be heard
The right to make errors
The right to change your mind
The right to be responsible only for yourself and your actions
The right to say no
When dealing with difficult people . . .
You have the right to terminate a conversation
You have the right to choose a proper place for a discussion
You have the right to be treated with respect
Points to remember
1) You can be assertive with people on a higher level than you as long as you show respect in words and actions.
3) "YOU" statements cause defensive responses promoting conflict.
attentively. This is the most important part of successful assertive
negotiations. Empathise with the other person. See things from
their view so you remain calm and objective. People respond positively
if they think you are willing to listen. Summarise the key points
of the problem to demonstrate you're listening and willing to
Be sure your statements are correct. Vagueness will be seen as weakness and increase resistance. If you request a person stop doing something which is offensive, say so with a firm, calm voice. Always have an alternative solution ready. In most cases, you should be able to find several solutions. Remember the way you feel about yourself and others comes out in the way you talk (from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks)
Always give the other party opportunity to retreat without loss of face. A WIN-WIN solution is the most successful ending to confrontation. Use words and body language to defuse a confrontation. For example. "I am sure we can solve this problem together". What can I do to help this situation for you?
1. Decide if you want to say yes or no. You may need time
to think it over - let the person know when you'll be ready. Know
what you want.
2. Ask for clarification if you don't understand what is requested of you.
3. Be as brief as possible with a legitimate reason for your refusal. Avoid elaborate justifications as these may be used to argue you out of your "no."
4. Use the word "no". "No" has more power and is less ambiguous than, "Well, I just don't think so..."
5. Make sure your gestures mirror your verbal messages. Shake your head when saying "no." Often people unknowingly nod their heads and smile when they are attempting to refuse.
6. "I won't" or "I've decided not to" are better than "I can't" or "I shouldn't". This emphasizes that you have made a choice.
7. You may have to decline several times before the person "hears" you. It is not necessary to come up with a new explanation each time, just repeat your "no" and your original reason for declining.
8. If the person persists after you have repeated "no" several times, use silence (easier on the phone), or change the topic of conversation. You have the right to end the conversation.
9. You may want to acknowledge any feelings another has about your refusal, "I know this will be a disappointment to you, but I won't be able to..." Don't say "I'm sorry". In most situations saying "I'm sorry" tends to compromise your basic right to say "no."
10. Avoid feeling guilty. It's not up to you to solve others' problems.
11. If you do not want to agree to the person's original request, but still desire to help them out, offer a compromise: "I will not be able to baby-sit the whole day, but I can sit for two hours." - You can say "no" to a request you originally "said" yes to!
Such a program could help to acquire a new set of responses and to be more effective in your interaction and communication with others. You would learn what to say or do in various situations, when to say it, and, importantly, how to say it. Getting a little bit ''people-smarter'' can't hurt, and it can make you feel so much better about yourself.
Always create distance from the other party when involved in serious confrontation. If someone becomes physically violent, contact the Police.
Christian advice on assertive behaviour, books & tips 2003